Another weekend has passed, a weekend that has been universally defined as a day of rest. 'Six days you shall labor, and on the seventh day you rest'. I must admit, this commandment made me a sinner. Im guilty your honor, multiple counts. So kill me. I've been abusing my body for the last nineteen years. And im tired, I tell you. Yet no matter how bruised my body is, no matter how physically drained this fat, oily, overweight and stubby piece of mass that is me, I could never let it rest. No rest. I want to do so many things. So many tiring little things. And I never want to stop. And for a while I was enjoying it. Until I found myself constantly hitting walls. And suddenly it wasn't amusing anymore. It's okay to be physically tired, but to be emotionally hurt, that I can't accept. My pride won't let me. I just can't. Slap me in the face, shoot me with a gun. But don't you dare break my heart, or betray my trust. That is the most unforgivable thing in the world for me. I will kill you. In one way or another. Vulnerability. Yep, its my weakness. And you found out. Yes, you discovered the only way to hurt me. And you held me by the neck for a long time. You always had a way of making me think Im always wrong. That you were innocent. And im the guilty one. You became the only person who had the ability of making me cry, bawl even, with those nasty little psy-wars you always start. And finish. For a while, my world revolved around you. I would cry at those sad news about you I always hear from your friends and family. And I vowed to help you get out of your miserable life, without your knowledge. You still don't know what I did, or how, to make you feel alright. To make you smile, go out with your friends, have fun, all without worrying what will happen the next day. I committed myself I would do that, until I saw the real you. Until I saw behind your false sweetness and love. Yep, I did. And realized that all my efforts were for nothing. That you don't really give a shit as to what will happen to you and your family's life in the future. Guess while I was busy thinking of ways to aid you, you were too busy with your social climbing antics. You were busy being vain. Too busy hiding behind the makeshift you that you yourself designed. I found you hiding. And boy was the timing ever great. Now I wonder, how many of those sweet words you gave me were true? Stupid me. I was so gullible. I let you in my heart. And you almost, completely, single-handedly destroyed it. But not anymore. Slowly, your grasp loosened, and I slowly took in the air that was denied from me for a long time. The air that contains all the good things I've been missing ever since I fell for you, ever since I fell in that trap of yours. And now, im free. And slowly learning once again how to enjoy it.

hehe. Wala lang, I just decided to post kasi matagal na ko wala nilalagay dito e. Hehe, introos MP submission friday, ist thesis next monday... hehe, busy!

Bakit ang tao pag tumatanda nahihirapan magsabi ng sorry? Naalala ko nung high school ako, pag may nagalit sa akin, di ko pinapatapos ang araw para makipagbati. Di ko hinahayaan na kasabay ng paglubog ng araw ay may taong galit sa akin.

Pero ngayon, nagsasawa na ko.

Lately napansin ko, daming naiinis sakin, napipikon sa ugali ko, nababastusan sa lumalabas sa bibig ko, na-eepalan sa presensiya ko, at naiirita sa kayabangan ko. Di ako perpekto, alam ko na madami akong pagkukulang bilang tao. Bagaman gusto kong pasayahin ang lahat, di ko kaya. Tao lang ako. Supot (figuratively). Sablay. Tao lang ako. Kagaya mo.

May kailangan nanaman ako kausapin bukas, napikon ata sa kin last week. At dahil nakokonsiyensiya ako, obligado tuloy akong humingi ng tawad.

Bakit nga ba habang patanda ng patanda ang isang tao e pahirap ng pahirap palabasin sa bibig ang mga katagang 'im sorry'? Pride kaya? Ego at apathy? O dahil ok na sa isang 'adult' ang magkaroon ng madaming kaaway.

Naalala ko ang sabi ng kaibigan ko, pag marami daw tao na galit sayo, liliit daw ang mundo mo. Hehe, dumating ang araw naintindihan ko rin ang sinasabi niya. Experience is the best teacher talaga.

Anakngsiopao talaga, AYOKO NG MAGSORRY (sawa na kong magsisi)! Hehe, hari ng sablay. Dito na lang ako, magprapraktis pa ko e. "*eherm!* galit ka pa? sori na..." testing testing...

[school] Andami ko dapat gawin, sa sobrang dami hindi ko na maalala! OMG, lessee, I have to edit my resume, prepare transcript of records, write in my Litera1 journal, edit the Filipi2 script and do my part in the thesis revisions. blwah! dame!
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[privy] Asar pa. Actually i have this feeling na nag-aantay lang ako sa wala. Tagal ko na nag-aantay wala naman nangyayari. Nagsasawa na ko. Malapit na ko sumuko. SERYOSO. sawa na ko.
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[OJT concerns] Waah! San kaya ako makakapag OJT? sana makahanap na ng company.
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[family] Punum-puno ang aming ref.... ng pakwan. Erpat ko gusto ata ng butong pakwan na tae e. Aba'y puro pakwan na lang ang pinagkakain! Hehe, diet kasi siya e. Kaya pag nakita mo kami magkasama, iisipin mo ako yung tatay.... hehe.
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[church] Upperbox! Upperbox! Upperbox!
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Payag ka ba dun?

Napagusapan namin sa JPRIizal kahapon yung article ni Rizal titled 'the indolence of the filipinos'. Sama daw ng image natin sa mga kastila e, mga tamad daw tayo. At si Rizal, the " all-knowing protector" of the indios, criticized the spaniards for being so judgemental and wrote the article as if to say 'im sticking your stupid judgement up your ass, because your wrong'.

Anyway, after the discussion on the article, our prof goes on to ask 'e ang pilipino ba ngayon, tamad?'. hehe. parang trick question. Syempre, pinoy ako, so ang sagot ko hindi. Pero lo and behold, the other 'pinoys' in the class collectively said yes and went on to enumerate the different attitudes and behavior that led them to that conclusion. Sabi nila, tamad na daw ang pilipino ngayon, kasi hindi na tumatawid sa tamang tawiran, kasi anak ng anak, inum ng inum, at ngawa ng ngawa. Tamad daw ang pilipino kasi wala silang ibang alam gawin kundi magpaabuso sa gobyerno at iasa sa Diyos ang lahat. Tamad daw sila. Tamad daw kami.

I was pissed of, really, kasi ambaba naman ng tingin nila sa mga pinoy. E PINOY din sila e,kung magsalita kala mo hindi kayumanggi ang balat nila. Oo, malamang may pinoy na katulad ng nabanggit nila, per hindi lahat a! Hindi ako. At siguro naman hindi din sila. Sila lang ang napapansin kasi sila yung gumagawa ng ingay. At yung mga pinoy natin na umaasenso e tahimik lang, low profile ika nga.Anyway, hindi ko natiis so I raised my hand, and like Rizal, I defended the indios against the colonials' cruel and unfounded accusations.


"Sir sa tingin ko, with all due respect, sampal yan sa mga OFW na naghihirap abroad para lang mapakain nila ang pamilya nila at para pataasin yung GNP natin, sampal din yan sa mga public school teachers na pumapasok pa rin kahit hindi pinapasweldo ng gobyerno, at sampal yan sa mga estudyante na kung ano ano na ang pinapasok na trabaho para lang magkaroon ng pera pampaaral."

I've been fortunate to have encountered people from all walks of life. From someone who is as dirt poor as the beggars you see on the street, and from someone who is filthy rich as Angelo King. And masasabi ko, hindi likas na tamad ang pilipino. Kung sino ang nagsasabi noon ay hypocrite, walang magandang sense of judgement at racist. Hindi tamad ang pinoy. Kung meron man, hindi yun dahil pinoy sila, at hindi sila ganun karami.

Anong nangyari nung dineliver ko yung mala-Rizal kong litanya? Well, like Rizal, I was also laughed at, and eventually ignored by the 'foreigners'. At least nag ala-Rizal ako. Hehe. Ako, tamad. Pwede. Mga Pinoy, tamad. Hindi pwede. That's racism.

Hehe. Pinapalaki ko yung issue noh? Parang class discussion lang e. E bakit ba, blog ko to e! Ilalagay ko lahat ng gusto ko sabihin. Hehehe... Peace!